A Personal Outline to a Healthy Relationship

No one is responsible for my happiness. I’ve learned how to make myself happy… however, I’m notorious for jumping the gun and trying with all my might to make someone else happy by altering my personal happiness… by conforming and negotiating and by trying to balance a relationship with compromise, I tend to give so much of myself, that if something goes wrong I’ve found myself to have become co-dependent… even if the other wasn’t able to really allow me to rely on them for much to begin with… it’s enough to set me into limbo, and that limbo scares me to death. This is a point I struggle with, but am aware of, and know it needs attention.

Agreements… clear? A healthy relationship has agreements and boundaries. We’ve come to a place agreeing on an “open relationship” and have _mutually_ set some “rules” but I am not sure if I can count on them being followed… I will do my part.

Communication… pivotal to a relationship, and during conflicts important for resolution. I tend to be the initator here, but listening has to come from both sides without prenotion or assumption… and again, this has been a huge obstacle where I find myself together with the one I love.

We need to know what we want. I know what I want… I can’t know what the other is thinking–in my case I’ve asked frequently and stories change… again, I’ve found patience is a virtue, but it’s my own choice to play the waiting game… and I definitely can’t, won’t and have no intention of even trying to change the other.

See the best in each other…

This is supposed to be a learning experience. We’re meant to grow, learn, appreciate, and work together.

Forgiveness. Really, how can we ever forgive ourselves if we don’t forgive each other? I’d never cause someone I loved intentional pain _ever_ but to feel accusation without forgiveness will sabotage a relationship. And we need to focus on putting the other person first…

Selflessness… this is another area I need to work on, but I do believe in my current situation it’s a mutual challenge right now. If we actually put the other person’s needs first, hopes first, desires first, we might not have that sense of “instant satisfaction” if it conflicts with what we want simutaneously, however we can be sure the other person is happy, and in a relationship it’s important to evaluate and re-evaluate how much you can give of yourself without losing yourself…

…and of course, COMMUNICATE EVERYTHING… ask questions, don’t assume… and explain how you feel without anger. There is no love in anger. And there is no safety in pain.

Expectations. Have none, or make them clear. I re-evaluate mine constantly and try to have as few as possible.

Responsbility: the ability to respond wihout accusation… explaining how you feel makes a world of difference, even if it makes you feel raw at first. Again… seriously, it’s a matter of emotional maturity.

Appreciate each other. I can’t even imagine being in love without appreciating my significant other–it’s foremost in my mind… I always find myself appreciating the good things, and give thanks frequently.

Admit mistakes and say you’re “sorry” even if you don’t know what you are sorry for yet–because if the other person is hurting and believes it was on YOUR account, you’d better appologize and find out what to change to make it right for both of you… it’s up to the individual… but saying “I’m sorry” comes with action. The first step is to admit you are sorry and never meant to hurt the other… and the to act on it and illustrate how to work it out for the best of you both.

Time, laughter, intimacy, safety… all requirements for a healthy relationship. Intimacy is a lot more than it sounds. It’s worth the research, and without it a deep, trusting, loving relationship cannot exist.

If a couple together can’t meet these points, it’s best to wait in limbo until they’re met, or realize you’re better off alone… and make yourself happy again. Where I stand right now is in such limbo. I wait for the unknown because I am deeply in love while also disappointed with the instability of my relationship… I need to take care of myself right now because no one is going to do it for me. …for now I wait, and hope, and I pray for a brighter tomorrow.

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Living on Pluto

Today’s Travel BLOG: Living on Pluto…

We’ve all heard the phrase, “when life gives you lemons make lemonade.”

Sometimes though, life gives us a combination of woodchips, black tar, sweetarts, and grasshoppers instead. Sometimes we travel to another planet to experience a wonder, and have trouble with the atmosphere and environment regardless… We land on a foreign planet that is marvelous in our eyes, but we can’t even breathe oxygen on it… it would kill us to stay… ok, so the real compound-question is, “when’s the last time you were in a new beautiful place and you wanted to stay forever, but all the cards are not in your favor and being played against you?” In my case, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be together on the outside… After all, sometimes there are consequences to landing in foreign places… what if you don’t have a passport? What if you’re in the wrong cultural attire? What if what if what if…??? Whether your love is a dance class, a puppy, or a person, entering in on the new relationship is foreign in the beginning, but there are often obvious consequences to new beginnings… for instance, if you broke your leg and you start a dance class, chances are you’re going to injure yourself further. In the same way, if you are married and start dating someone new, chances are you’re going to ruin your marriage. Even though I consider myself an artist, I sometimes can’t think in multiple dimensions enough to know what to do outside forces of nature, which, by the way, are greatly affecting my new involvement, yet the love itself is of purity. There is no consequence I can readily see that would kill off (no broken leg, no marriage, etc.) this pure love other than the environment we’re in… so, what does it mean? Vague? That’s ok. I am trying not to give myself away entirely here…

Some say, “Live life to the fullest.” Some say, “Put yourself first.” Others say, “Put God first.” I’ve heard, “Nothing comes on a silver platter; persistence is everything.” And I’ve heard, “When the house is on fire, LEAVE.” Ok… so, all these tid-bits are great advice, but now how to apply them? My life is full of richness and depth. I do believe any companion of mine (friend/family/partner) is probably never bored because I’m very actively involved with the world around us, and to humbly put it, “I live life to the fullest.” And yet, I’m in a very confusing place right now.

As an INFJ, I think on multiple levels constantly, caring about my life, and all the lives that touch me and I might touch, as well as The Spiritual… always on a search for meaning. My philosophy is, “if it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not worth my time or yours.”

I also believe my life shared can be more enriched than standing alone. To each his/her own, but I do enjoy companionship and all of the benefits that come with being in a relationship. Unfortunately, I refuse to define an actual “romantic relationship” any further ’cause it would include “expectations” of what a relationship would be and those are opinions at best. And so, this struggle is my lemon… this confusing new place is my woodchip cocktail… I’m in a battle with myself trying to learn what’s best for ME, what God wants of me, what my partner needs of me, how to be self-sufficiently satisfied and love without expectation, is this meaningful enough, can I do with so little time, can I manage with such a difficult family, and do I need to just be more persistent and patient waiting for the unknown within the relationship itself?

I’m divorced. I have no children. I’ve lived in various states and countries, and I know who I am. I have had multiple creative careers. I know my strengths and weaknesses. And, I know what I definitely am uninterested in as well. The planet I’ve chosen isn’t Venus or Mars, ’cause either men or women would inhabit it… the planet I’m on must therefore be Pluto because it’s ice cold and everyone related to my companion is some kind of ice scuplture–it is extremely hard to see them human at all sometimes, though I try. They’re all very talented, but I can’t chip away at the ice and it’s frighteningly freezing… meanwhile, is my “house on fire”? If it is, it’s STILL not enough to melt the freezing cold.

At the same time, somewhere else in the universe, coffee is brewing on another whole planet all together, and I’ve had many, many offers recently to travel and see new lands, other planets, peoples, cultures, families… metaphorically speaking. But my heart belongs on Pluto… maybe not WITH Pluto, but it’s there all the same… my love after all lived there first.

Ok, so what’s right and what’s wrong? What can I still do when I try not to expect? How can I revel in the infrequent moments of utter happiness, so few and far between, when I find myself suffering the rest of the time? Are those passionate moments of bliss worth fighting for; this tiny beautiful dream I’ve found waking glimpses of? Do I even need ask? I believe nothing else could compare to those moments, and so I write this BLOG in question, but with patience… and so, here I am… I can’t make real lemonade with only ice. I can’t make a true cocktail with tar. But, don’t forget, there are sweetarts too, to lessen the severity of the piercing cold… granted, I can’t live off of sweetarts forever.

And I am a grower, creator, and lover.

It’s frigg’in cold though right here and I don’t know if my heart can continue to survive when it isn’t powerful enough to melt the ice… I have to know what to prioritize now, ’cause my universe as been turned upside-down.

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