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No one is responsible for my happiness. I’ve learned how to make myself happy… however, I’m notorious for jumping the gun and trying with all my might to make someone else happy by altering my personal happiness… by conforming and negotiating and by trying to balance a relationship with compromise, I tend to give so much of myself, that if something goes wrong I’ve found myself to have become co-dependent… even if the other wasn’t able to really allow me to rely on them for much to begin with… it’s enough to set me into limbo, and that limbo scares me to death. This is a point I struggle with, but am aware of, and know it needs attention.

Agreements… clear? A healthy relationship has agreements and boundaries. We’ve come to a place agreeing on an “open relationship” and have _mutually_ set some “rules” but I am not sure if I can count on them being followed… I will do my part.

Communication… pivotal to a relationship, and during conflicts important for resolution. I tend to be the initator here, but listening has to come from both sides without prenotion or assumption… and again, this has been a huge obstacle where I find myself together with the one I love.

We need to know what we want. I know what I want… I can’t know what the other is thinking–in my case I’ve asked frequently and stories change… again, I’ve found patience is a virtue, but it’s my own choice to play the waiting game… and I definitely can’t, won’t and have no intention of even trying to change the other.

See the best in each other…

This is supposed to be a learning experience. We’re meant to grow, learn, appreciate, and work together.

Forgiveness. Really, how can we ever forgive ourselves if we don’t forgive each other? I’d never cause someone I loved intentional pain _ever_ but to feel accusation without forgiveness will sabotage a relationship. And we need to focus on putting the other person first…

Selflessness… this is another area I need to work on, but I do believe in my current situation it’s a mutual challenge right now. If we actually put the other person’s needs first, hopes first, desires first, we might not have that sense of “instant satisfaction” if it conflicts with what we want simutaneously, however we can be sure the other person is happy, and in a relationship it’s important to evaluate and re-evaluate how much you can give of yourself without losing yourself…

…and of course, COMMUNICATE EVERYTHING… ask questions, don’t assume… and explain how you feel without anger. There is no love in anger. And there is no safety in pain.

Expectations. Have none, or make them clear. I re-evaluate mine constantly and try to have as few as possible.

Responsbility: the ability to respond wihout accusation… explaining how you feel makes a world of difference, even if it makes you feel raw at first. Again… seriously, it’s a matter of emotional maturity.

Appreciate each other. I can’t even imagine being in love without appreciating my significant other–it’s foremost in my mind… I always find myself appreciating the good things, and give thanks frequently.

Admit mistakes and say you’re “sorry” even if you don’t know what you are sorry for yet–because if the other person is hurting and believes it was on YOUR account, you’d better appologize and find out what to change to make it right for both of you… it’s up to the individual… but saying “I’m sorry” comes with action. The first step is to admit you are sorry and never meant to hurt the other… and the to act on it and illustrate how to work it out for the best of you both.

Time, laughter, intimacy, safety… all requirements for a healthy relationship. Intimacy is a lot more than it sounds. It’s worth the research, and without it a deep, trusting, loving relationship cannot exist.

If a couple together can’t meet these points, it’s best to wait in limbo until they’re met, or realize you’re better off alone… and make yourself happy again. Where I stand right now is in such limbo. I wait for the unknown because I am deeply in love while also disappointed with the instability of my relationship… I need to take care of myself right now because no one is going to do it for me. …for now I wait, and hope, and I pray for a brighter tomorrow.

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Kill Cancer

Throat Cancer… Michael Douglas?
I have to admit, I want him to seriously kick this cancer into oblivion and I know Catherine-Zeta Jones does too… I love her too by the way. They, as a couple, somehow inspire me.

Michael Douglas and others like him… Who else? Cancer… it’s such an evil, evil disease that takes away everything: family, health, happiness, functionality… everything… unless you put up a fight and win. Some do. Not all have been so lucky. I’m proud and thankful and enormously grateful that my sister is still in remission after 3 years from Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma Stage IV cancer, but I realize she’s been blessed… I have been therefore also been blessed.

Who do I recall of our celebrities, who have not been so lucky, who made a great impact on me? Those I especially miss:

Pancreatic Cancer… Michael Landon
I grew up watching “Little House on the Prairie” and then some of his series that followed. I’m proud to state that I’ve seen every single episode at least once of the entire “Little House” series, plus read many of the books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I always felt Michael Landon, especially in his role in “Little House,” was the envisioned father-figure I wanted in my life. I was heart-broken when he passed on. Remembering him, I still am.

Pancreatic Cancer… Patrick Swayze
I was never a fan of his acting, but I’m a fan of his dancing and of the all-famous role he played in “Dirty Dancing.” I followed his battle with cancer and was very sorry to find he lost to it.

I guess I just have one statement left to make…

Serendipity

I have been wanting to get away (much like in the story/movie, “Eat, Pray, Love”) and meditate the same way in Bali… but of course, it’s not that easy. Time and money fail me. I’m also a divorcee much like the subject in that story… also similar to another favorite movie of mine, Under the Tuscan Sun… and I’ve been wanting to get away and be in silence, away from the city again, since I returned from Hawaii, to no avail. I moved into a country-suburban unit originally to do just that, and yet it’s not working for me… I want to be away from everything known to me and be new, and feel refreshed again, be in the sun, the air, and heal… even if a weekend can only plant a seed, I am open to any and all possibilities!

So, I’ve newly, and quite serendipitously come across, and checked myself in to a Green World B&B called “Inn Serendipity” and I do believe the price, the place, and the environment is right on… not only is this place on an organic farm, but they believe in earth conservation, and put gravity into the silence… I’m very, very much looking forward to going, next month overnight to think, breathe, eat, pray, write, meditate, and sleep, sleep, sleep!!!

We live on a toxic planet.

15 Most Toxic Places to Live caught my eye, soon after I spotted the Huffington Post Top 10 Most Polluted Places to Live… I am in horror, shock, and completely disgusted by all of the chemicals… perhaps Dzerzhinsk, Russia and Russia’s Lake Karachay, not to mention the Citarum River, Indonesia scare me the most of all…

And what do you do? I don’t have money to donate enough to save one person but someone out there does– how then to help but if a broom and a mop were enough I’d do what I could–obviously, something so miniscule is not proper for cleaning up areas so toxic… how does one cope? I feel so helpless on my own planet!! How do people survive at all and how is it even allowed by the rest of us who know it exists?? Can’t we all get together and help each other to clean these areas up for the people who live there!?!?!?

Personally, coca-cola and other carbonated sweetened beverage have become a special treat to me over the years, but at one time it was the only thing that got me THROUGH the day. When I was 21 years old, I drank at least 1 coke midday during work, and the carbonation, sweetness, and caffeine propelled me until the end of the day. In turn, by the work day’s end I was ravenously hungry, exhausted beyond belief, and sometimes didn’t feel so good… Today I drink possibly up to 6 soda beverages a year by comparison… and why? I was getting sick a lot, I was disgruntled and easily frustrated, and I gained weight faster… so, I read about sugar intake and how it can lower the immune system and how you easily gain weight through the intake of sugar, and it was enough to switch my beverage… unfortunately when I was 21 I didn’t like coffee unless it was a Cafe Mocha, however today I’ve acquired the taste of plain, low-acidic, black coffee with no additives what-so-ever. I’m proud of my choice. And overall I generally drink the following during my work days:

water… water… AND MORE WATER
12 oz coffee
12 oz loose leaf tea with 1/2 tsp rock cane sugar
1 V8 low-sodium, 5.5 oz
1 100% juice, 6.5 oz

And today I favor another treat, more than Coca-Cola or Pepsi, is this: Seltzer water w/ squeeze of lemon or lime & for a kick I add 1 oz flavored vodka or flavored rum (the rum is sweeter since it’s made from sugar anyway).

Also, when I was only 21, I didn’t like the taste of tea. I didn’t think anyone could ever convert me in fact. I hated black tea, bagged tea, and never knew at the time how many kinds of flavored teas and types there were. Low-and-behold, against everything I believed then, today I am a certified Teologist, and am familiar with over 150 flavors and varieties of tea from all over the world. And I find it absolutely amazing that you can get health benefits from one tea while flavor from another, combine, mix, add honey… and make something taste close to the flavor and intensity of juice! Today I am an avid tea promoter!!

Here are some other excellent drinks low in sugar, and good for you:
Excellent Drink Choices

I’d heard the term “clean eating” before but little did I know it meant eating the basic fruit, veggies, grain and meat unprocessed. And I read in the same article (which is sent to me daily from livestrong.com) something about that clean eating… very interesting I might add to me since I’ve been trying to increase my veggie/fruit intake… although I pay attention to the “Dirty Dozen” (those with the most pesticides), when it comes to juice, I’m less concerned and really it shouldn’t make a difference…

Fruits and Vegetables
Fruits and vegetables are an essential part of any diet, but it’s important to choose those products carefully. According to Healthy Child Healthy World, most fruits and vegetables contain multiple pesticides even though they do not exceed safety allowances for a dose of a single pesticide. According to Daily Green, if consumers get the recommended five servings of fruits and veggies daily from the 15 most contaminated products, they could ingest up to 10 pesticides in a single day. The Daily Green recommends always buying organic celery, peaches, strawberries, apples, blueberries, nectarines, bell peppers, spinach, kale, cherries, potatoes, grapes, leafy greens, carrots, pears and tomatoes to reduce exposure to these chemicals. It is not necessary to buy organic fruits or vegetables that are peeled, such as bananas or mangoes.

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No… seriously, a baby squirrel did try to jump me!!

Unreal… never happened to me before. I couldn’t zoom fast enough on the thing, so literally I got up into its face and for this post found a pic as close to my original pic as I could… it was unbelievably cute but the whole situation was very odd…

…I was coming back from my usual walk from the parkway, (and you know, I normally see everything from live to dead birds, turtles, raccoons, frogs, and the other day several puppies passed by too) to my parked car, midday today, to head back to work, when a little jumping fuzzy thing began to hop towards me… and at first I thought “A) it has rabies—yikes go away…” I hesitated. It got closer…. I thought, “B) it sure is cute—maybe it has been tamed and is hungry” or “C) it’s sick—I can’t pick it up even if I could find a way to”… whichever it was, I had no time to find out. I had to get back to work pronto!!! Just then it tried to jump onto my jeans!!! I shush’d it and tried to move it with my foot very softly but it barely budged… so I began to clap loudy, beginning to become irritated that although this thing was dreadfully CUTE, I REALLY was going to be late for getting back to work and someone was covering for me as it was… well, it hopped then behind my car tire. I thought, “OH GREAT!! It thinks I’m its mother!!” I tried yelling at it although I really just wanted to clip its nails and cuddle it instead… as cars passed me, and surely people in them figured I was entirely insane… the baby squirrel would not go, and kept hopping around me and back behind the car tire as if to play with me… I finally started the car, sure the animal would jump out of the way… no, of course it wouldn’t… no jumping anymore either…it just hid there, sad that I didn’t want to snuggle with it… (and it’s terrible claws..) ack!!! WHAT TO DO!?!?! Finally, I knew I had to pull forward… slowly, carefully, hoping the thing wasn’t stupid enough to run in FRONT of the tires instead… and I got away… HA!!! Rather than it got away, **I** got away!!!

…and I saw it left there sitting alone on the street curb behind me, as tears rolled down my face.. no, its face… (no, not either really, but it sounds good for drama… but it was pretty darn cute and I can only HOPE it won’t get run over by another car—I didn’t know even how to move it though I considered it…) …and so I have to wonder, “DO I LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL OR SMELL LIKE A NUT ‘CAUSE I SURE FEEL LIKE ONE!” …have to wonder, “is it the new coconut oil I’m using, ’cause I’m using it from head-to-toe and am going to have to research what squirrels are attracted to now… do they even like coconuts?? LOL!!!”